Pat Ritter. Books

[patritter]

'Confessions of an alcoholic' - Page 114:

CHAPTER 6

...Bundy decided to change his life patterns immediately, it wasn’t before time. Since he’d stopped drinking alcohol, he hadn’t taken any personal responsibility in changing his behaviour or habits. There were so many questions he wanted answered, constantly reminding him of ‘what he had become’.
One of his queries, which constantly bombarded his brain, was ‘self confidence’. Why did he always submit to another person’s demands, instead of first thinking about his own demands, and say ‘NO’? It was almost impossible to say ‘NO’ to anyone who wanted something from him. His mind filled with guilt - if he didn’t do what the other person wanted. How did he get to be this way in his life?
How to resolve his own issues, before he could help other people with their issues, a major question was ‘what needed changing’? He recognised he lacked ‘self confidence’. How was he going to correct this habit?
One feature from his readings about changing a habit was ‘to go to war against it’. It was going to be a tough journey but he was compelled to do anything to ‘change this habit’. One important event that made sense was how he understood the ‘cycle of life’ he had learned at college. It was likened to his own ‘life script’.
From a tender age, his life was scripted for him making sense on ‘why’ his dreams had never been realised. His constant fear of success being the catalyst of proving his incapacity to succeed always effected his direction in life...

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'Confessions of an alcoholic' - Page 115:

...There were many instances he remembered whilst ‘reliving his past’. If only, he had felt more confident in his own ability and self-esteem. There was no one to blame. He alone had the choice to change anything he wanted to change, whenever he wanted to change it.
He remembered his teacher, in eighth grade saying, ‘Bundy if you had another brain it would be lonely’. His memory of his childhood reminded him of when his family and friends said, ‘you’re an idiot. How are you so stupid?’ He remembered at the time not having the courage to tell his teacher he ‘had a brain’. He couldn’t speak back to the teacher, for in those times it was not the done thing. Whatever the teacher said was gospel.
Another time, he remembered receiving a compliment from one of his ‘Boss’s’ when he was an apprentice, not knowing how to reply to such a compliment. In the past he remembered was being told he was an ‘idiot or stupid’. A couple of times during his Law Enforcement Officer days, he received commendations for his investigative skills, at the time not realising ‘how’ important an event it was to receive such an high accolade.
He certainly had much to do to improve his ‘self confidence’. How was he going to do it? His mind often puzzled by when he actually had completed what he was doing, and then doubting himself, by what he had done. Fear immediately filled his mind of not being able to ‘break away from the mould’ in fulfilling his dreams and doing what he really wanted to do. Self-belief was difficult to achieve.
He set limits for himself, projecting he was unwilling to fight hard enough for the proper...

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'Confessions of an alcoholic' - Page 116:

... success he was entitled too. How often did that event happen during his life? There were too many times to remember. He wasn’t a complete failure in life, but he failed to identify what he really wanted out of life.
Up until he identified these changes, he was likened to ‘a leaf blowing through the breeze’ being carried by an external force not knowing when or where it was going to land. He had no personal goals or any idea of what he actually wanted to do. He considered from his past experiences of success were that he was ‘lucky’ or fate had played a part in his life for these achievements.
First he needed to come face to face with his demons. If he didn’t change this time, it probably would be his final chance to feel the emotional euphoria of success. He was determined to do whatever it would take to ‘move on’. Nothing had changed over the many years since he stopped drinking alcohol. This was to going to become the ‘fight of his life – a world title fight’ against himself.
Bundy needed to capture the feeling of power and excitation in conditioning his mind to ‘think for Bundy’ instead of giving into some other person’s demands. He felt excited about his forthcoming journey and was ready for the fight of his life. Round one, ‘where do I want to go for success? Ada is my wife and personal companion. I love her and the children with all of my heart and soul. Can I make it better for them?’ What is in the way of making my life better with Ada and the children?
How often have I told her or the children I LOVE THEM? How often have I just gone up to...

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'Confessions of an alcoholic' - Page 117:

...Ada hugged her, and told her I LOVE HER? What gets in the way of my doing these things? I want to tell them. Am I afraid? Than, why am I afraid? Why is it so difficult for me to tell the people I love I LOVE THEM? Why. Am I ashamed of being loved? Do I know what love really is? What has happened to me? Was I ever loved as a child?’ These thoughts ran through Bundy’s mind like a computer trying to find a solution to his query.
What about this ‘being a rescuer’? I wonder if it’s got anything to do with what’s happened with me. Bundy thought, as far back as I can remember I have been a rescuer and couldn't put a name to it. When I think about the ‘rescuer’ tag there are many stories to confirm I am a rescuer. I thought all of these times I helped people, but all I was doing was trying to rescue them.
He recalled some of these stories, like the one when his mate used to come to our home when they were children. He asked if he could ride one of the pushbikes and he would ride it. Later he purchased the pushbike from Bundy’s parents and he refused to allow Bundy to ride it because it now belonged to him. At the time it was unfair of his friend to refuse him, after all, when Bundy’s parents owned the pushbike he didn’t refuse his friend from riding it.
That was the beginning of being a ‘rescuer’. All he ever wanted to do was to help his friend who took advantage of his good intentions. Why was it so difficult to help another person and they not return the favour? Was he gullible or stupid and didn’t understand people? It may have been all three. He returned to his childhood, trying to...

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'Confessions of an alcoholic' - Page 118:

...remember different stories of how he became a ‘rescuer’. He was convinced in his own mind, it must have been an event to cause him, to want to do it.
He worked out it was either to make himself feel better about himself, or to offer help to others. He wasn’t quite certain of which one was right. Thinking about it more deeply he started to recognise within himself he had been a ‘rescuer’ for more than forty years making him very good at it. He felt good about rescuing people. It made him feel important. What’s wrong with that? Each time his mind received a message to ‘rescue’ someone, a rush of blood travelled immediately to his brain with the thought of helping others. Even though he tried to help some people, at times Bundy had his feelings hurt beyond comprehension. The question was, how was he going to change from being a ‘rescuer’ after all of this time?
Before he could change anything, he had to determine ‘how’ he first became aware of becoming a ‘rescuer’? Deep down in his soul, he personally believed, by helping people he would in turn receive help in exchange. This theory didn’t always happen. It was the opposite - he was being ‘used’.
He remembered many events during his life, one of which when he was asked to help either a relative or friend with a chore, fully believing at the time he was doing the right thing. When the time came for Bundy to ask a favour in return, it was met with a refusal. This event made him feel betrayed and bewildered. It happened many times.
Too often he felt betrayed by the closest members...

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'Confessions of an alcoholic' - Page 119:

...of his family. All he ever wanted was to know in his own mind he was a worthwhile person, not a person who could be taken advantage of. What could he NOW do about this travesty of justice?
He needed to change his thoughts of ‘rescuing’ people. Instead of being a ‘rescuer’, he needed to learn how to identify when he was acting the role of a ‘rescuer’. Rather than acting the role, he needed to learn to reverse the role and empower the person to ‘rescue’ him or herself. What a change he needed to make to his life. He was prepared to do anything in his power to change his life.
He immediately realised he had been ‘playing a game’ with people, particularly Ada his wife. He was not completely honest with her and never told her about his true feelings or his love for her. He was afraid to show his true feelings, to tell her he truly loved her.
At least now, he knew where he had to start with changes to his life by building a bridge of trust between Ada and himself. She was the most honest and caring person he had ever known in his life, not fully appreciating she was his wife and friend who could be trusted.
They’d been married for almost twenty years by this time, when Bundy decided to tell Ada ‘how’ much he loved and trusted her, which at the time was very difficult for him to admit. She in turn, understood what Bundy was saying, expressing her concerns of still not being able to totally trust him. She was afraid he would one-day return to his drinking days, which was indelible in her mind. He always wanted to reassure her he was going to try...

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Thank you mzawf for your continued support. I appreciate everything you do to help me. Here is the page for today:

'Confessions of an alcoholic' - Page 120:

...his best to strengthen their relationship by building trust between them.
It wasn’t going to be an easy task to build trust and made an agreement with Ada, for her to tell him at anytime, when she thought he was ‘playing a game’ with her, instead of being truthful with her. She agreed. He immediately needed to take personal responsibility for his actions, and not rely on any other person to make these changes. It was completely up to Bundy how he was going to ‘drive his vehicle’, to avoid the accidents which had previously happened in his life. He was blessed to have a person like Ada as his wife.
It was to become one of the toughest journeys Bundy would ever travel in his life. Instead of allowing other people to think for him, he had to start thinking and making his own decisions. He had to personally believe in himself. At times when he thought of ‘rescuing’ anybody, he immediately asked himself - why. It was like a trigger exploding in his brain, hearing a voice saying, ‘go ahead and play the ‘rescuer’ again’. He had to ‘let go’ of ‘rescuing’, and encourage others to look at their own problem and work out ways of finding their own solution. He had never done that before in his life.
At times he felt almost compelled to act, but pleased he didn’t, whilst other times, events worked in his favour. Actually he felt much better because he unloaded a truckload of rubbish from his memory database. He felt he was becoming a worthwhile person, enjoying the feeling of at last being able to do things, satisfying his inner self of...